thegreatpretender

recently, a lot of my classmates have been giving loads of stick for my supposed inability to give up smoking. some even resorted to stop talking to me. for an alledged promise broken. if i remember correctly, all i promised was to try to minimise my smoking and be honest and open about it. which i have been. i think.

but truth be told, i don't really know why i persist smoking. to call it an addiction , i feel, would be a gross exaggeration. i am, by no means, hooked to smoking to the extent of not being able to function properly without it. the frequency of my smoking is irregular at worst. i can go for days on end without a fag. without any pangs or a longing for one.

there are however a few theories put forward by the good people at the Ministry of Health (bless them)

1. i smoke because i want to be cool; to fit in with my peers. bollocks, ever since my plight has come to light my classmates have been treating me like a leper. as if smoking's some degenerative, highly- contagious, HIV-esque disease

2. i smoke because i am experiencing extreme stress and smoking helps relieve that stress. again, bollocks. i don't do nearly half enough work to feel stressed or any semblance of it.

3. i smoke because i'm a sad little wanker who can't come to grips with his sad, sordid life. and smoking represents some sort of bloody escape. haha. to even consider that possibility. i would like to state, for the record, that i am perfectly fine with how my life has turned out so far. given, there are a few details i'd like to alter a bit but who isnt guilty of that?

so. aftter scouring through the possibilites my 'illness' has yet to find a proper diagnosis. but here's my take on the matter, i smoke for a whole plethora of reasons. when i'm feeling a tad sad or depressed; when i want my problems to disappear with the smoke. and this has been happening for abit. i've been getting depressed. for certain reasons. so maybe i am a little guilty of reason 3. but to limit the scope of my problem to just no. 3 would be extremely narrow minded. like i've said, its due to a whole host of reasons.

but i raise my hands up. i admit its a problem. a problem i want to tackle. and eventhough results have not been so forthcoming, let me assure everyone that i am trying. progress is being made or at least small baby steps of progress. but still progress nonetheless.