my favourite mistake

its funny how when you finally decide to take a leap of faith, a gamble of sorts and tell a chick you like her it almost always never goes according to plan. its really not your fault that you've been weaned on hollywood romance flicks. the guy declares he has feelings for the girl usually at somewhere romantic like atop a moon-lit balcony and then they gaze lovingly at each others' eyes and then wham! one way ticket to nookieville. it always ends this way. but then you watch too much telly and go all soft in the head and you can't really tell anymore that what you see on the tv's a whole load of bollocks. the work of script writers and their ilk.

emboldened you try it. you tell her that you've always held a candle for her. that she's wonderful. that you have a soft-spot for her. that you like her. alot. you can't believe you're saying all this but it just comes out unabated. every bit is true and you've been waitingfor the longest time to tell her. you wait for her reaction. and then it goes pear shaped. she stares at you, stunned, struggling to form a reply. its nothing like what you see on the telly. the girl doesn't have that "kiss me, you fool" look. there's no gazing into each other's eyes. clearly, the ticket stand to nookieville has been shut. finally, after several attempts, she manages to stutter through an ok. not what you've been hoping for. in my case, she said something along the lines of "i'm already attached to someone else. at least emotionally". heart wrenching stuff. i know. naturally, i was gutted for a bit. belive me when i say, there's nothing quite like that kind of anguish you suffer when your heartbreaks. nothing comes close.

from that ill-fated moment on, things will never be the same again. the avoiding sets in. you grow furher and further apart. as if ashamed by what happened.

painfully ironic how you admit your feelings with the sincere hope that it will bring the both of you together and you only end up driving a massive, impregnable wedge between. nothing like the admission of feelings to end a perfectly good friendship.

well, let me be the first to tell you its not a very pleasant situation to be in. to be cut off like that from the person you have a mad on for. my heart was in tatters. but then i realised that you can't expect someone to like you back just because you said it first. the reciprocation of affections is not a basic, inalienable right that everyone is entilted to. regardless of my deepest yearnings that it was somehow otherwise. it would be dreadfully unfair to the poor chick.

i'm glad to say that it offered some kind of closure and i've moved on somewhat. but i don't think i really have. you can't just not like the person anymore just because she doesn't like you back. it never works that way. affection is not some light switch that you can turn on and off at a moment's fancy. i guess i will always hold a candle for her. despite my vehement claiming otherewise. now if i like someone i'll just keep my mouth shut. i treasure the frienship way too much to want to end it. especially in a manner like this.

but it's time to face the truth
i will never be with you