the fine print

its all about you.

2006-08-07T02:05:00.000-07:00

i suppose this song says it better than i ever can:

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through'cause
I've seen the dark side too

When the night falls on youD
on't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

So if you're mad, get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I'm alot like you

When you're standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose
Let me come along'cause even if you're wrong

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you

just so you know

2006-07-29T08:04:00.000-07:00

ploughing through two hours of lake house with you isn't exactly my idea of fun.
its my idea of heaven.

ok. i've said it. i think its for real this time.

look how they shine for you

2006-07-11T19:59:00.000-07:00

it gets worse and worse and worse. with sighting, i realise my chances grow slimmer and slimmer. there she is in all her radiant, exquisite beauty and here i am in the farthest reaches of her universe. insignificant. i'd even go so far as to say i don't feature half as prominently in her life as she does in mine. damn straight. she is the only person i know who can send tingles racing through my spine, make my heart race and make me break out in hot flashes all at the same time. whenever i may be so fortunate as to catch a glimpse of her, even a fleeting one, i get this sense of unbridled elation. i plead for that passing moment to remain; perfect forever, frozen in time. she is my escape. my private indulgance. even if she does not know it.

sometimes i wonder if she's like me in any way. does she find herself singing along to love songs on the radio despite not wanting to like me? does she like the stillness in the air after it stops raining? or find herself on the verge of tears whenever there is a major catastrophe and the telly's showing mothers pleading to the camera for their lost husbands/childern? what's her single biggest fear? has she ever had her heart broken? i don't know. but god, what wouldn't i give to find out.

in my heart there is an immense longing for her; to get to know her better and for her to get to know me. there hasn't ever been any naughty thoughts of her and god forbid it should ever taint my mind. as steadily as my feelings for her blossom, a certain sense of resignation slowly dawns upon me. i know that no matter how far i reach she will always be beyond my grasp. it feels like i'm at the receiving end of some cosmic joke. i wish things could be different. that maybe i could somehow chuck my feelings aside and keep them well hidden in a drawer and never have them plague me again. that she somehow shatter my heart and cure me of this ridiculous obsession. that it just ends. and i can move on.

and when she walks
all the wind blows
and the angels sing
but she doesn't notice me

my favourite mistake

2006-07-08T04:54:00.000-07:00

its funny how when you finally decide to take a leap of faith, a gamble of sorts and tell a chick you like her it almost always never goes according to plan. its really not your fault that you've been weaned on hollywood romance flicks. the guy declares he has feelings for the girl usually at somewhere romantic like atop a moon-lit balcony and then they gaze lovingly at each others' eyes and then wham! one way ticket to nookieville. it always ends this way. but then you watch too much telly and go all soft in the head and you can't really tell anymore that what you see on the tv's a whole load of bollocks. the work of script writers and their ilk.

emboldened you try it. you tell her that you've always held a candle for her. that she's wonderful. that you have a soft-spot for her. that you like her. alot. you can't believe you're saying all this but it just comes out unabated. every bit is true and you've been waitingfor the longest time to tell her. you wait for her reaction. and then it goes pear shaped. she stares at you, stunned, struggling to form a reply. its nothing like what you see on the telly. the girl doesn't have that "kiss me, you fool" look. there's no gazing into each other's eyes. clearly, the ticket stand to nookieville has been shut. finally, after several attempts, she manages to stutter through an ok. not what you've been hoping for. in my case, she said something along the lines of "i'm already attached to someone else. at least emotionally". heart wrenching stuff. i know. naturally, i was gutted for a bit. belive me when i say, there's nothing quite like that kind of anguish you suffer when your heartbreaks. nothing comes close.

from that ill-fated moment on, things will never be the same again. the avoiding sets in. you grow furher and further apart. as if ashamed by what happened.

painfully ironic how you admit your feelings with the sincere hope that it will bring the both of you together and you only end up driving a massive, impregnable wedge between. nothing like the admission of feelings to end a perfectly good friendship.

well, let me be the first to tell you its not a very pleasant situation to be in. to be cut off like that from the person you have a mad on for. my heart was in tatters. but then i realised that you can't expect someone to like you back just because you said it first. the reciprocation of affections is not a basic, inalienable right that everyone is entilted to. regardless of my deepest yearnings that it was somehow otherwise. it would be dreadfully unfair to the poor chick.

i'm glad to say that it offered some kind of closure and i've moved on somewhat. but i don't think i really have. you can't just not like the person anymore just because she doesn't like you back. it never works that way. affection is not some light switch that you can turn on and off at a moment's fancy. i guess i will always hold a candle for her. despite my vehement claiming otherewise. now if i like someone i'll just keep my mouth shut. i treasure the frienship way too much to want to end it. especially in a manner like this.

but it's time to face the truth
i will never be with you

a moment please

2006-07-04T20:15:00.000-07:00

have you fancied someone so unbelievably wonderful (at least you'd like to think she is) that you find yourself trying to steal galnces at every opportunity you get? be it in the lecture theatre, canteen or even when she's running round the track. but you know despite how much you change or what you do, she'll will always be too good for you. and regardless of how hard you try, you're fully aware nothing will happen. consigned forever to always fall short. maybe you'll be freinds with her. tops. still somehow you wanna try. even if you're content with admiring from afar at the moment. your brain can't compute the fact that she's waaay beyond you. either you're too thick or too taken in with her (notice i do not use love. love is a very strong word. a word not to be taken lightly or used without heartfelt sincerity the way it's being thrown around nowadays. unless you wanna bang her. then its cool)

well i have. or rather i am. i don't know. and i feel painfully inadequate.

when you smile i melt inside,
i'm not worthy for a minute of your time.

football hijinks

2006-07-01T23:09:00.000-07:00

the quater finals of the world cup are over and done with. 4 teams have fallen by the way side, 4 teams march on. as you can imagine, i haven't had much sleep but i can't really claim that my forgoing of sleep was really worth it given the insipid and tepid affairs the matches turned out to be. cautious forgettable football. rubbish football. but the france match-brazil was not that bad. ok. so maybe barthez didn't have to make a save till the 90th minute and the game was settled by a set piece but then zidane didn't make me regret staying up. christ, he's still got it. his flicks, tricks, that time he did his trademark getting between 2 defenders like when you turn the right analog stick 360 degrees when u play winning 11 on the ps2. tt. fucking brilliant stuff. vintage zidane. fitting that he set up the only goal too. tres bien.

one person I don't wanna be at the moment is ronaldo. granted, he can do stuff with his feet that i can't with my hands. he's shagged victoria secret supermodels (i'm working on it) and he's getting more in one week what I will probably earn in 4 years and he's won the world cup twice. but fuck he's getting crucified by everyone. admittedly he did put on a lot of weight. you can see him wobbling, i swear and he runs less in a match than the goalkeeper and whenever everyone goes for waterbreaks he munches on a burger instead. hell even the commentators take digs at the poor bloke, like against france when the commentator said something like 'the pass is overweighted and i don't mean ronaldo'. ouch. seems like everyone wants to put you on a pedestal like they did when he won it for brazil 4 years ago just so they can push down again. the cunts.

watching the england-portugal match was painful. england didn't deserve to lose and what the fuck was the referee doing seding rooney off? jesus. all he did was push ronaldo away cos ronaldo was beginning to be a real wanker. still, england to their eternal credit didn't let going one man down get to them. the match was crap in all honesty with neither team being able to string a decent attack together although portugal did have slightly better chances. and it helped that england's monumentally rubbish from 12 yards out. have no fucking clue what sven was thinking asking lampard, gerrard and carragher to take the penalties. especially with the latter two having a well documented inability to convert from the penalty spot for liver-cibai-pool. doesn't help that i was catching the match at my grandma's and that everyone present, except me, was militant anti-england supporters willing portugal to nick in a win. worse still was the fact that my brother and aunt were fervent anti- man yoo liverpool fans who refused to stop banging on about liverpool and how crouch was better than rooney cos the former didn't get sent off. fuck it. crouch is a cibai cunt twat ass clown of a player. rooney will be the player of this generation. just watch.

oh and THE MIDYEARS ARE FINALLY FUCKING OVER!!! ok. given i didn't touch my books and it did last only 3 days but still. i can watch the world cup without my mum going all jackie chan on my ass. and stangely enough i don't feel any urge to rejoice coursing through my body. must've been the way i prepared for it in the first place. by doing a whole load of nothing. having said that though, i don't reckon i'll muck up this year's midyears the way i so monumentally fucked up last year. taking it twice helps. trust me.

2006-06-14T01:46:00.000-07:00

have been very sick. flu i suspect. was completely bedridden the whole of yesterday. haven't eaten anything these past two days. anything. haven't started studying for the midyears yet. the world cup's far too important. man. the world cup. caught all the 9pm and midnight matches. yeah.

christ, this entry stinks

hear! hear!

2006-05-31T21:09:00.000-07:00

i would like to offer my unreserved apology to all those i have inadvertently aggrieved and let down by my apparent inability to quit smoking. i am deeply appreciative of your efforts to help me stop and i would like to assure all of you that your efforts will not be proven in vain. slowly but surely, progress is being made and if its rate is unsatisfactory to you, i apologise.

but i also hope you all find it in yourselves to understand that smoking does not, in any way, make me less of a person. similarly, i don't feel i am less derserving of your friendships. i hope you are able to see beyond this habit, regardless how unsavoury you may deem it.

thegreatpretender

2006-05-29T19:57:00.000-07:00

recently, a lot of my classmates have been giving loads of stick for my supposed inability to give up smoking. some even resorted to stop talking to me. for an alledged promise broken. if i remember correctly, all i promised was to try to minimise my smoking and be honest and open about it. which i have been. i think.

but truth be told, i don't really know why i persist smoking. to call it an addiction , i feel, would be a gross exaggeration. i am, by no means, hooked to smoking to the extent of not being able to function properly without it. the frequency of my smoking is irregular at worst. i can go for days on end without a fag. without any pangs or a longing for one.

there are however a few theories put forward by the good people at the Ministry of Health (bless them)

1. i smoke because i want to be cool; to fit in with my peers. bollocks, ever since my plight has come to light my classmates have been treating me like a leper. as if smoking's some degenerative, highly- contagious, HIV-esque disease

2. i smoke because i am experiencing extreme stress and smoking helps relieve that stress. again, bollocks. i don't do nearly half enough work to feel stressed or any semblance of it.

3. i smoke because i'm a sad little wanker who can't come to grips with his sad, sordid life. and smoking represents some sort of bloody escape. haha. to even consider that possibility. i would like to state, for the record, that i am perfectly fine with how my life has turned out so far. given, there are a few details i'd like to alter a bit but who isnt guilty of that?

so. aftter scouring through the possibilites my 'illness' has yet to find a proper diagnosis. but here's my take on the matter, i smoke for a whole plethora of reasons. when i'm feeling a tad sad or depressed; when i want my problems to disappear with the smoke. and this has been happening for abit. i've been getting depressed. for certain reasons. so maybe i am a little guilty of reason 3. but to limit the scope of my problem to just no. 3 would be extremely narrow minded. like i've said, its due to a whole host of reasons.

but i raise my hands up. i admit its a problem. a problem i want to tackle. and eventhough results have not been so forthcoming, let me assure everyone that i am trying. progress is being made or at least small baby steps of progress. but still progress nonetheless.

debutant

2006-04-10T21:26:00.000-07:00

managed to catch most of the soccer match yesterday. it was a mostly competent performance from our boys. however it wasby no means good or entertaining or championship worthy. we won rather convincingly 3-0 to be exact but in no means did it accurately reflect the match. hwa chong gave us a good run for our money and gave an extremely good account of themselves. they ran proceedings during first half and could've even nicked an early goal had it not been for lackluster finishing. but given their being basketball rejects, i wasn't too surpirsed.

goalkeeping wise, we won't given much trouble due largely to impotent hwa chong forwards who even when clean thorough, lack any semblance of composure. or talent. regardless, it was a vast improvement from the horror displays from the keeper of the last two matches, a certain mr danial izzat who has most definitely cemented his ticket out of the team. he was absolute bollocks against saints and anderson, making one gaffe after another.

take the first goal he conceded against saints. he was standing on his line, not impeded or blocked in any way by anyone and yet when one saints soccer player floated what seemed to be a perfectly harmless ball in, he let it inexplicably sail in over his tall frame. he's become the byword for butterfingers. he's the sole reason why hwa chong resorted to taking pot shots from deep into their own half. luckily before he could perform another masterclass in rubbish goalkeeping, he was unceremoniuosly dropped from the team. and just in time too. hell, i reckon he'd have trouble catching the flu. its a wonder why he wasnt dropped first chance the coach got. well im glad all this nasty business is done for.

and for the record, im backing VJC to go all the way. for old times sake.

and so it is

2006-04-10T02:17:00.000-07:00

strength through unity
unity through faith

watch this space